As of 2024 I can clearly say that I have been not entirely happy for the last 4 years of my life. I had my momets and discoveris but the majority of my days were very null, hopeless and burdened. It's not like I had responsibilities but somehow somewhere something went wrong in my/everyone elses lifestyles.
When someone asks me when was I last happy there is this clear and vivid moment that comes to my mind. I was 16 at the time and had a huge crush on this girl for a long time (I still like her a lot but that's not the point). We used to text a lot ig I mean we were close but she never called me once. On one greezy rainy saturday when I was like going the class on bus and when I was on about to get off I got a call. My mind was preoccupied at that moment like I was about to get off and I need to get close to the door but nonetheless I got my phone from my pocket. It was her. At that moment my hands were faster than my nervous system. I was saying hello to her while getting off she figured out I was just getting off, went silent for a moment and she was like "you're coming to class right ? make sure to bring your fees. I am already here.". At that moment I couldn't have been more happier. I was like there is one person in the class that would like want me to be there. don't get me wrong though I had friends (I still do I guess not entirely sure) but It didn't really felt real with most of em. It was the glorious WhatsApp days like I had more contacts in my list than I can score in that snake game on nokia phones. Now I think about it most of them were like strangers who I used to share memories with. I admit that I was a shy kid who didn't like talking with new people very much I mustered up some courage when I needed that. Most of the people I used to call friends were people who needed something from me like I used to do all kinds of shit for em because I was good with computers or whatever.
2019. Being amatuear as ever after that call I was again being myself without the slightest idea of what's on a girl's mind. In the coming weeks I learned that she's being interested in another boy, I don't know if I suddenly became mature or not something I just simply idk what I did. Afer few weeks I heard she got herself a new boyfriend (which is obviuosly that guy). I mean I didn't even feel jealous I felt like she's gonna come to me eventually (no shit it's been 5 years lol) but I was happy to see her everyday in class and when she waved at me I was more happier. Suddenly the unkwon happend. YES MF'ing covid. we used to text during that period and being home got me to watch TV Shows. one after another another another another. All day everyday I was getting my dopamine hits, raping my eyes and obviuosly bank cropting my ISP. And her she faded away (I still don't know what happend to her. I heard she's doing okay). I was completly out of reality. Waking up at 6A.M and stearing at my computer screen for 12-15h, eating, taking a wash and going to sleep. This would repeat. And being the lonely soul I am one of my friends got me into the world of kdrama (yes korean stuff). oh boy what can I say at that time I thought my life got better like korean stuff is very smoothing. They keep you hooked up with their cute actresses and emotional addictions. This extreme situation continued for more than 2 years (I still am not 100% over this). In this period I met up with my other form of addiction which is GNU\Linux (I said it right). I did say that I was good with computers at that time it was mostly windows. When I enterd the world of linux, foss and programming I was so eger to learn everything constantly searching everything trying to configure and tailer everthing to my needs and to make everthing perfect for myself. YEs I am stuck inside a loophole to this day but I learned a lot these few years. It's about control I never knew this would be so much out of control. I have started and abondend projects more than the number of days I was on NoFAP (story for anther time). tryning this software, that software, learning this language, oh look something made a freaking awesome thing let me check this one out, new kernel, linux-zen is the future, no no It's lts time. fuck you systemd, and everthing else. YES I had my linux moments most of em. anyways I don't like doing these anymore like configuring shit my own, writing new software, administrating and hosting stuff. I just copy someone elses configs (most of the time they had done a better job than Iam), don't try new software till I find something better randomly or someone recommends me new stuff (happens rarely). I recently switched over from dwm to hyprland because 4chan was shitting on wayland so much I needed to check out what all of this fuss was about and wayland seems pretty fine (I din't get into the technical aspect of wayland like you nerds. IDFC anymore). I don't really care about anything anymore. I think I'm way past the stage of obsessing over not displaying few pixels of a video or my icons not getting allined on the display bar or something. I don't really want to know how the software really works anymore like (sometimes I do but) if it works imma stuck with it till it gets annyoed.
Back to the topic, so while doing all of that shit I was constantly on 4chan reading all the shitpost on /b and /g. At this point I'm lonely as hell but I thought I was happy (ye I know delusional idiot). I had a very important exam in mylife not like the old days I didn't like going to classes. It was like toture for me. I didn't have even 5% of the knowledge about the subjects I was learning and teachers would ask me questions knowing that I know nothing. At slowly I was detaching myself from the what people call normie stuff like WhatsApp. I was living in my own bubble (ye a pretty big one) not leaving my room for months, constantly stimulating myself with kdrama and movies while I had no one to talk to or text. I had few online homies but I always get into situations with them so I would ghost them for months. I as expected I failed my exams. The next year I was getting ready to redo my exam trying to fix my problems and shit. Still failing evertime I kept trying but still being lonely. At that point I realized there is more to life than my computer screen and room window. I wanted to make some new connection (IRL ofc) I kept trying to make my mind but never did (still it's 2024). And everone I used know seems to avoid me or don't really care about anymore. Most probably I am the issue I don't really know how to be real with anyone other than myself when I'm alone. There is a reason I'm writing all of this shit. I was only taking inputs till this point like constantly stimulating myself with media and other random stuff but I want to output something now because I'm stuck at a point where I see suicide as an option. I used to care about what people would think about me if I write something like this. They might think this is cringe or something. I don't really care about what people think anymore. And most probably the grammer and spellings of this might be wrong. Outputing this with zero feeling so I could be better. to be continued.